Writer's Lament

Yesterday I had a miserable day. I had a miserable headache for the entire morning/afternoon, and then the entire evening my stomach was upset and a mess. Last night I was unable to get a "good" night's sleep. I need to start waking up earlier so that I can actually sleep, and enjoy sleep again. I haven't slept well for a few nights now, and we're going to be going back to Clearfield, so I doubt my sleeping habbits will improve until we make our way back to New Hampshire. I feel lazy, frustrated, depressed... I look forward to a house in Pittsburgh but the nagging thought in the back of my mind is that none of that fantasy is for sure. Josh doesn't have an internship in Pittsburgh nailed down, I don't have a job nailed down. The more and more my grandfather's health fails the more I think that we can't live here forever. It's too difficult coordinating trips home. I miss my family. I miss my brother. I miss my family-in-law too. I think of some of the beautiful houses here in New England, I think of how much I want that someday. I think of how nice it would be to go out and spend a little money on new clothes every now and then, or how it would feel to not have to watch our budget so closely. How nice it would be to say - heck with it, let's go to Montreal for the weekend. I feel hopeless, and lonely. Josh is busy with school, again. I knew this would come and it makes me really look forward to when he is not in school any longer. We just have 1.5 semesters left until he's done with school. Not that it's going to magically make everything "all better" when he is done with school... And looking forward to things like that have gotten me into trouble in the past.. how "different" things would be when we were married, and how "different" things would be when we were living "on our own" and... how "different" things would be when I got a job. I need to find contentment in the here and now, and not out of worldy things like a house, or new clothes, or money. When I try to do that I find myself feeling like this - miserable, depressed, empty, lonely. It's time once again to focus on the things I do have. Right now. Right here. Not the things I "could have" in the future. Lord, I need your help, because I'm a broken sinful person. I turn to things in this world for comfort. I turn to the hopes of a house of our own, I turn to clothes, shoes, etc... I turn to ridiculous things for comfort, and what I really need is You. A house will never fill the void in my heart. Only You. So please, Lord. Meet me here. Help me up, help me stand. Give me peace within my soul. Help me to find contentment in You. Please, Lord.

Amen.

Books and reading

I miss reading. I used to read all summer, used to finish a book in the matter of a day or two. Now, I'm lucky if I read my bible every day. But the thing I need to take away from this is, my life is not overly crazy. My life is peaceful now compared to what it will be with children, soccer games, baseball practice, school, band?? who knows. But I can realize that now I have the opportunity to get settled into married life with all its stressors and craziness, get comfortable there, and bring on the children after I'm adjusted a little better. This all seems overly calculated and probably pretty nerdy. I'm making excuses for why I don't get anything done, and why I sleep in until 9 or 10am every single morning. Waking up at 8:30 this morning was appalling to me. Imagine if I woke up just an hour or 2 before I normally do though, I could get so much more done! The dishes, the cleaning, the laundry, running errands. If only I were diligent enough to do it. Rigby lays beside me on the couch, itching her nose, cuddling close, desperate for attention. Poor girl was meant for more than this small apartment, and she knows it.

Love, Sara

It's a beautiful day

I love sitting on the couch in the morning, drinking my coffee and perusing the internet with Rigby on her window seat and the windows letting in a cool breeze. It's not too sunny outside today, but it still looks beautiful - like a fall day. The leaves are starting to fall from the tree out front, and the temperatures are certainly getting cooler. It reminds me that another season in life is coming to a close. A lot has happened this summer, I've had 2 different jobs, both of which were not a great fit for me, but I have settled on the D200 unit, which I'm ever so thankful for - especially after floating to other units. Josh is back in law school, classes Monday through Friday, and working at the law library to help out financially. I can hardly wait for the leaves to start turning. Josh and I have planned our last trip to the beach (with Rigby) this coming weekend, and have gone hiking up a big mountain (also with Rigby). She and I have been working on training (with little avail), but I'll keep at it. She's so much puppy!! I'm very thankful for the life I have, and the wonderful husband I have to share it with. I'm thankful that we can sleep together in the same bed at night again. I'm thankful for the seasons, and change. I'm thankful for our wonderful church family, I'm thankful that we have a roof over our heads, food to eat, and love in our hearts. Lord, you are so good to us, and we can't even come close to deserving any of it. Thank you, Lord. Amen!

Love, Sara

The view from Sunday

Today Josh and I have plans to travel into Boston and spend the day with our dear friends Becca, Drew and Addie Benson. I'm so excited to spend some time with them, and I'm anxious to get out and do something on this beautiful day. Yesterday Josh and I took Rigby hiking in the mountains - needless to say, she loved it! She's a regular old mountain dog, climbing up rock slabs that were nearly verticle, and sliding down them on all fours on the way back down. Josh and I are still sore from our little adventure but it was well worth it. It's hard to believe that it's September already. That the leaves will be changing soon and before we know it the temperatures will drop and the wind will become chilled. Another season of life in progress. I'm officially on my own now at work. I do alright, but still learning and still have a long way to go. I still ask a ton of questions and ask for help every 2-3 seconds. haha. I'm enjoying having a home base though, getting to know the people that I work with and my way around the unit. It is tiring though, I will admit. Only ever having a day or two off at a time, trying to balance work that needs done around the house with fun activities. I'm so anxious for when Josh and I can have a house of our own. I can't wait to plant gardens and paint walls, decorate without fear of drilling too many holes in the walls.. However, I do love our little apartment here. We have had many fond memories here, and I'm sure there will be many more memories made here. Well, God bless! He has truly blessed us.

Amen!