Writer's Lament

Yesterday I had a miserable day. I had a miserable headache for the entire morning/afternoon, and then the entire evening my stomach was upset and a mess. Last night I was unable to get a "good" night's sleep. I need to start waking up earlier so that I can actually sleep, and enjoy sleep again. I haven't slept well for a few nights now, and we're going to be going back to Clearfield, so I doubt my sleeping habbits will improve until we make our way back to New Hampshire. I feel lazy, frustrated, depressed... I look forward to a house in Pittsburgh but the nagging thought in the back of my mind is that none of that fantasy is for sure. Josh doesn't have an internship in Pittsburgh nailed down, I don't have a job nailed down. The more and more my grandfather's health fails the more I think that we can't live here forever. It's too difficult coordinating trips home. I miss my family. I miss my brother. I miss my family-in-law too. I think of some of the beautiful houses here in New England, I think of how much I want that someday. I think of how nice it would be to go out and spend a little money on new clothes every now and then, or how it would feel to not have to watch our budget so closely. How nice it would be to say - heck with it, let's go to Montreal for the weekend. I feel hopeless, and lonely. Josh is busy with school, again. I knew this would come and it makes me really look forward to when he is not in school any longer. We just have 1.5 semesters left until he's done with school. Not that it's going to magically make everything "all better" when he is done with school... And looking forward to things like that have gotten me into trouble in the past.. how "different" things would be when we were married, and how "different" things would be when we were living "on our own" and... how "different" things would be when I got a job. I need to find contentment in the here and now, and not out of worldy things like a house, or new clothes, or money. When I try to do that I find myself feeling like this - miserable, depressed, empty, lonely. It's time once again to focus on the things I do have. Right now. Right here. Not the things I "could have" in the future. Lord, I need your help, because I'm a broken sinful person. I turn to things in this world for comfort. I turn to the hopes of a house of our own, I turn to clothes, shoes, etc... I turn to ridiculous things for comfort, and what I really need is You. A house will never fill the void in my heart. Only You. So please, Lord. Meet me here. Help me up, help me stand. Give me peace within my soul. Help me to find contentment in You. Please, Lord.

Amen.