Trials

With the sudden and unexpected passing of my mom, I find myself struggling. Wondering why; angry at her, at Rod, at God. Logan will never know her. But maybe that is for the best, since her addiction was taking over her life. I spoke with my uncle and we agreed - my mom has been gone for a while now. The woman that stood in her place was beaten, and broken. She lacked hope. She lacked life. She was being suffocated by a need for pain medications. His theory, is that she had such a good soul, that God couldn't stand to see her losing this battle. She was such a good person that he couldn't bear to watch her waste away like that. So he took her now. He brought her home, to heaven - where she has a new body void of pain. A new body void of an aching need for pain pills. A new body void of selfishness and deceit. My husband read me an excerpt from the Chronicles of Narnia, where it talks about their going to heaven. It says, that this life is just the cover and title page. The real journey hasn't even begun yet. Heaven, eternity, is where our true journey lies. These things are all comforting, and it helps to remind me that this life really isn't my goal - heaven is. And someday, I'll see my mom again. However, there's still the sting of loneliness, of anger, of sorrow. She was my mom. She had been the person I turned to for everything until Josh came into my life. She was the grandmother of my son. She had always talked about how it was so hard for her, raising my brother and I without her mom being there. She had always said she wished we could have known her, and that she would have been so proud of us. Why did she have to put me through that as well? Why couldn't she just get her life under control and be here for us? Asking these questions doesn't help. No one can answer them. I also find myself struggling with greed. Hoping that there's enough money out of her inheritance to pay off a loan or two, or to put toward a down-payment on a house, or both. Those things are not important! And how can I be thinking of that! Such selfishness, such greed... so sinful. I need to let go, and realize that none of that is mine. All the money in the world, and in my bank account and not in my bank account, is God's money. Whatever he has graced me with is still his; not mine. I could have the biggest, prettiest house in the world, all the clothes in the world, all the finest things - and I would not be happy without God. No amount of money could buy God's love. No amount of money can buy salvation. Press into God. That was the best piece of advice anyone has given - press into God. Because left to our own devices, we are sinful, and we are broken. Left to my own devices, I am greedy, and angry, and doubtful. I lack faith, and question God. Left to my own devices, I am selfish and destructive. I need God. Now, more than ever. I pray that He will have mercy on me. I pray that he will arm me with strength, and give me grace. I pray that he will life my eyes from the things of this world, and help me to focus on eternity. For that is where the true journey lies.