Anxiety

Something that I battle with all too often. Anxiety about leaving the apartment, about going to work, about going to the gym even.. Ridiculous anxiety, for no good reason. I always feel better about myself when I go out and get things accomplished, but my brain tells me "just sit here a little while longer..." "You don't need to go to the store right this minute..." and sometimes I fall victim to its requests. Then, I let time slip away until it's too late to get the thing accomplished that I was going to do, and I feel hugely guilty to Josh. It's then, a vicious cycle because I have even more things to get accomplished for the next day, and not much time to do them all in. Dishes, laundry, take Rigby for a walk, call the family, make dentist appointments, make vision appointments, bake more christmas cookies. I wish that was a make-believe list, but it's my real list of things to do today, save for christmas cookies, and after 3 days off to get everything under the sun accomplished, I have to work today. It's frustrating and pitiful that I let my anxiety get the best of me. It's annoying that I waste 3 perfectly good days off. I need to learn to function on my own at some point in my life. I need to learn to lean on God and let him motivate me to be a productive member of society. I need to trust God with finances, and big life decisions. The house that Josh and I have been watching closely in Pittsburgh has disappeared from one of the realty websites - which most likely means it was sold. This only added to my depression and defeat yesterday, but that's silly of me. I need to realize that if God didn't have it planned for us, it won't work out that well. I would rather have what God has planned than to go against the grain and meet resistance at every step trying to get something that I want. God is good, he will give me what I need, and sometimes even what I want. How is it so easy to forget these truths? But I can remember how to say "where is your pain?" in Spanish after a small lesson from Josh - It's just silly. I really need to spend more time delving into scripture and practicing real truths than hiding in my apartment pining over my lack of family and friends at arm's length. Work is good for me - an object in motion stays in motion. An object at rest, stays at rest. It always seems like a good idea to have a 'veg' day, but I always, always 100% of the time regret it. Never once have I felt like - Yeah! That was a great veg day!, I'm always tired, miserable, feel like I haven't accomplished anything and all I want to do is sleep. That's another thing that needs to change - waking up at a decent hour and getting started with my day before 11am. But, we'll do small steps for now. One thing at a time for now. Please, friends - whoever reads this silly Blog, pray for me. Pray that God would intervene in my life and remind me of His truths when I'm lost in darkness. Pray that I would remind myself of His truths too. Lord, thank you for this gift of life, this wonderful life I have. Teach me to be content, and help me to trust in you with all my heart, soul, body, mind. Please, Lord intervene in my life. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

Love, Sara