Journaling and the like

It is 10:30am on a saturday morning. I worked last night until 12:00am, I work tonight, and I work tomorrow night. Then I have one day off and do another 3 days. I just feel like... The patients in our unit are high maintenance, and there isn't anything being given back. They're a bunch of takers, and nurses instinctually are a bunch of givers. I'm giving so much of myself that I'm drained and exhausted... I came home and crashed in bed - sleeping until 10:00am without ever budging. And I'm a tosser-turner kind of sleeper. And I'm sad because my summer weather has left temporarily.

Josh and I are still waiting on word back from Pittsburgh - it's the weekend so I'm not getting my hopes up for today or tomorrow... But next week is the end of March, and I'm praying praying praying that we hear something back. The anticipation is killing me. Josh's mom agreed to go look at an apartment for us this weekend - so hopefully we'll hear good things back about that. Although it's kind of difficult to move forward when we don't have a solid answer from the public defender's office. I'm waiting on that before I can start any of my paperwork to switch my license over. Which, if you think about it, isn't it silly? We know that we're probably going to be in the area - Josh has an internship in Butler if things don't work out in Allegheny County. But if I could get a job in Butler, that would be nicer to live there and not have Josh commuting an hour every day. God has perfect timing, God has a plan. God is in control - and I can trust in God. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Just thinking about it gives me a stomach ache.

Well, next weekend Josh and I are going to visit my brother in Scranton. I'm looking forward to it. I would like to go on a long vacation someday. Just relaxing, no dishes, no laundry, no cleaning, no grocery shopping - just relaxation. *sigh* wouldn't it be nice. It's almost summer, which is good enough for me. I dearly love summer. Riding bicycles, grilling in the yard, playing outside with Rigby, I love summer. Here's to looking forward to summer, and resting in the assurance of God's promises.

Love, Sara

It's been a while, dear friend.

Last I posted, Josh's interview had been rescheduled. He had the interview with one of the attorney's there, and it went well. We're still waiting for the final word whether he has the internship or not, but we're still hopeful that it went well and we'll have a solid answer by the end of the month.

So, what have my struggles been recently? I'm glad you ask, because I'm dying to talk about them. I'm a whiner and complainer, and it's really been apparent to me lately that I need to focus on the good things in life. I'm exhausted from work, and my heart has been acting up a little more lately than usual. I got my blood work done and it was all fine. My appointment with my doctor is not until May 31st, which in reality - I'm not even sure we'll be here for that. I'm stressed that we don't have a for sure yes about this internship, and I'm nervous about starting over with nursing in a different hospital - in a different state, with different co-workers. I know that we have something really rare on our unit - that almost all of us get along well and help each other out. I know that's not common, and I'm just hoping and praying that wherever I go to next has the same mentality as D200. I'm nervous about moving into the city. I'm nervous about finances (so what else is new!!).

All of these things I'm nervous about or hesitant about are under control, God's control. And I can trust in that. Sure, I have no idea what the road ahead holds for us. I have no idea if we will be staying here, or if we will be moving. If we will find an apartment or if we will be commuting from Indiana for a while, if I will find a job right away, or if I will have to find a temporary employment for a time. Everything is up in the air, except that I love God. I love my husband. I know that we can depend on each other, and we have supportive friends and family who are willing to help us.

I feel like I should be making more progress than I am... I wrote about being unsure and nervous and anxious last week, and the week before and the week before - so that should all be behind me and I should be fine now, trusting in God. This may take me a very long time to get the hang of, but the good thing is? I'm still working on it. I'm still fighting against my sinful nature. And I'll never quit fighting - and that, is way more pleasing to God than whether I'm anxious about things or not.

Love, Sara

God's will be done

Today we went to Pittsburgh, for Josh's job interview. However, when we got there... His interview was rescheduled for tomorrow, and the apartments we had appointments to see were already sold, save for one which does not allow pets. Needless to say, Josh and I... Mostly I, were discouraged and deflated. I felt as though we had been praying for this for quite a while, and it felt very discouraging having so many road blocks in one single day. But, as we went through with the rest of our plans.. Dinner and a date movie, I started realizing that even though things may not be going according to my plans, they are still going according to God's plans. We need not get discouraged and deflated because of one bad afternoon, because God is in complete control.

We went to see the movie "the vow", (silly chick flick, I know) but it made me realize just how good we have it. We have a wonderful marriage, loving family, awesome friends and worlds and worlds of possibilities ahead of us. It's humbling to think about, really. People who have many more or perhaps much more profound struggles, (relationships fraught with brain injuries) can be much more grateful and much more content than I am, and really, what do I have to complain about? I need to learn gratefulness, and contentment. I Ned to trust God with all steps in my life. Lord, I can't do it on my own, I need your help to keep my eyes fixed on you, and to trust fully in your sovereign grace, and your plans for us. Thank you lord!

Love, Sara