My battle with Nursing

If you haven't seen on facebook, Josh got an internship with the immigration law firm! It isn't paid, but at least he will not be leaving me for New Hampshire.

I had my first night at work off orientation and it was pretty rough. I find myself once again questioning my chosen profession of nursing... if I'm cut out for this job, if I can continue to do this for a long time - it's really exhausting switching from days to nights, and being responsible for 5-6 patient's lives at one time. As I was talking with Josh last night, I realized though - that more than the stress of the job and all the responsibility, I don't like what it has taken from me. My goal when I was in college (before ever meeting Josh) was to start my job as a nurse in small-ville PA, find a guy, get married, have babies, become a member of the worship team at my local church and maybe even become a care group leader (along with prospective husband) and live happily ever after. Well... I'm not in small-ville PA, that's for sure. I did marry the love of my life, and someday children will be on the horizon, but those other things - getting really connected with the church, and becoming a member of the worship team? I feel like I can't commit to anything.. because my schedule is so crazy, and I can't be at church every Sunday because I work every other weekend. I also had the thought that after Josh and I got settled in Pittsburgh I would try to join a choral group or something like my brother does with a local college in Scranton.. there has to be a ton of opportunity in the city. Then I realized in order to become a part of something like that you need to be able to commit to rehearsals, and heck - performances too!

Music has always been a huge part of my life, before nursing was ever a blip on the radar. And I'm so sad that it's falling away from me. I never sing anymore. I haven't played the piano in months and months... And not all of that is entirely because of nursing, I understand that. Part of it is my initiative to pick up the guitar or sing along with the radio when I'm home doing nothing. I guess, I'm asking for prayers - pray that God would tell me where I'm supposed to be, and if this is what he would have me doing right now, pray that I would be content, and that I would find joy in doing his will. Thank you Friends, and Praise the Lord for answered prayers regarding Josh's internship!

Thanks, Sara.

Faith

Josh has an interview with an immigration law firm today at 1:30pm. I pray we would know even today if he is able to get the externship, and we could rest easy knowing that he doesn't have to go back to New Hampshire. I feel like normally I would have faith with a situation like this - that whatever is to happen is God's will, and even if it was not what we were hoping for, it is the better option - and we would be unhappy if we got what we wanted and God's will was not done. However, I fear for my strength if Josh goes. I fear that even if that's what God has planned, I won't be able to make it through. And I find myself so anxious over this interview and the answer that follows the interview for those reasons. Even if the road is hard, I must have faith. I must trust in the Lord.

Lately I've been finding it hard to wiggle in bible-reading time due to my flip-flopping schedule (I started working night shift this past week - more to come on that later). Not that working night shift is ever an excuse... but anyways.. I can feel myself suffering from it... from not reading, not praying, not thinking of God. Bad thoughts, resentment and bitterness, materialism, envy, I've been an emotional wreck to top it all off - which could be due to sleep deprivation as well, but either way! My life really suffers when I don't spend time with God reading the bible and praying. I know this happens, and yet I still find myself rather getting just 15 more minutes of sleep or doing the dishes real quick before I go to work instead of taking time in the Word before a long shift. It's my goal to keep on this. To make reading my bible and spending some quality time with the Lord my priority. There will always be dishes in the sink, and realistically 15 minutes of sleep isn't going to do a whole lot.

Today I read Romans chapter 4. verses 20-25 read: "Abraham never wavered in believing God's promise. In fact, his faith grew stronger, and in this he brought glory to God. He was fully convinced that God is able to do whatever he promises. And because of Abraham's faith, God counted him as righteous. And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn't just for Abraham's benefit. It was recorded for our benefit, too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. He was handed over to die because of our sins, and he was raised to life to make us right with God." NLT


Faith is a huge part of a relationship with God. Faith that He will provide, faith that His Will will be carried out, faith that he will not give me more than I can handle, faith that He will keep his promises. I must have faith.

<3 Sara

Photo credit NLBBC.org bible/heart picture

White wedding

This past weekend, my big brother finally tied the knot with his high school sweetheart, Brandy Hale - now Brandy Dixon! It was a beautiful wedding in Williamsport, PA with very much of their personalities thrown into the mix. They had a live brass quintet at the ceremony and very unique intro and outro music. Their pastor Jeff preached a message about how marriage in their eyes was the next great adventure, and following that "adventure theme", they exited the ceremony to Indiana Jones theme song. There was laughter, and tears of joy - and amazing food and cake. I wish I had more pictures to show... but here's one anyways..

Now that the wedding is over, I have night shift to look forward to. I start my first night shift on Tuesday 7p-7a. I only have this week and next of orientation, and then I'm on my own. Almost two months down at St. Margaret's 3B, at least 10 more to go. At the end of July Josh and I get to go to North Carolina with the Browns for a few days, which I'm extremely looking forward to. I'm so looking forward to beach-bumming it for a few days, and taking a vacation from this crazy non-stop life.

Despite all of these fun things, I found myself terribly down yesterday. I'm struggling with materialism and wanting things of this world so darn bad. I look at others our age that have nice things - clothes, houses... I feel like Josh and I will just never get there. It's been 2 years that we've been struggling to get by, and living in apartments, and Josh won't take the Bar until February... and won't find out whether he passed or not until May, let alone finding a job in the city. I want a house of my own that I can hang pictures on the walls if I want and paint if I want and plant a garden in the back yard if I want... I'm being a bit ridiculous - this apartment is great. We have a nice little back yard that Rigby can roam around in, and the kitchen is huge and wonderful... It's just so hard to see what some people have and want to have that too. And it's hard to see other couples with such stability, and us still being in "limbo" with school and only one income. I will continue to pray that God would take these desires away from me, and that I would find contentedness in the here and now. That I would trust in God and his plan, and not become discouraged.
Amen.

-Sara