Trials

With the sudden and unexpected passing of my mom, I find myself struggling. Wondering why; angry at her, at Rod, at God. Logan will never know her. But maybe that is for the best, since her addiction was taking over her life. I spoke with my uncle and we agreed - my mom has been gone for a while now. The woman that stood in her place was beaten, and broken. She lacked hope. She lacked life. She was being suffocated by a need for pain medications. His theory, is that she had such a good soul, that God couldn't stand to see her losing this battle. She was such a good person that he couldn't bear to watch her waste away like that. So he took her now. He brought her home, to heaven - where she has a new body void of pain. A new body void of an aching need for pain pills. A new body void of selfishness and deceit. My husband read me an excerpt from the Chronicles of Narnia, where it talks about their going to heaven. It says, that this life is just the cover and title page. The real journey hasn't even begun yet. Heaven, eternity, is where our true journey lies. These things are all comforting, and it helps to remind me that this life really isn't my goal - heaven is. And someday, I'll see my mom again. However, there's still the sting of loneliness, of anger, of sorrow. She was my mom. She had been the person I turned to for everything until Josh came into my life. She was the grandmother of my son. She had always talked about how it was so hard for her, raising my brother and I without her mom being there. She had always said she wished we could have known her, and that she would have been so proud of us. Why did she have to put me through that as well? Why couldn't she just get her life under control and be here for us? Asking these questions doesn't help. No one can answer them. I also find myself struggling with greed. Hoping that there's enough money out of her inheritance to pay off a loan or two, or to put toward a down-payment on a house, or both. Those things are not important! And how can I be thinking of that! Such selfishness, such greed... so sinful. I need to let go, and realize that none of that is mine. All the money in the world, and in my bank account and not in my bank account, is God's money. Whatever he has graced me with is still his; not mine. I could have the biggest, prettiest house in the world, all the clothes in the world, all the finest things - and I would not be happy without God. No amount of money could buy God's love. No amount of money can buy salvation. Press into God. That was the best piece of advice anyone has given - press into God. Because left to our own devices, we are sinful, and we are broken. Left to my own devices, I am greedy, and angry, and doubtful. I lack faith, and question God. Left to my own devices, I am selfish and destructive. I need God. Now, more than ever. I pray that He will have mercy on me. I pray that he will arm me with strength, and give me grace. I pray that he will life my eyes from the things of this world, and help me to focus on eternity. For that is where the true journey lies.

Fall

Happy Halloween Everyone! As promised, here are some pictures of what we've been up to this fall!

IUP homecoming, Phantom Fright Night at Kennywood - a first for us, and it was totally a blast! And finally our tradition of picking a pumpkin at Reager's farm in Indiana, PA. (which we still have yet to carve). There are many more pictures on facebook that you can take a look at if you wish.

I can't believe that we're already heading into November! How exciting! I'll do my best to be a little more regular at posting. As for now, to snuggle up with a warm blanket and get through this rainy day.

-Sara

It's been a while...

God' been really working on my heart lately. I was having some inner spiritual battles about who knows what's best for my life - me or God. God always wins, and it's a good thing or I'd have my life driven right into the ground. I've applied for several research positions, but I haven't heard anything - and most likely won't as they all require research experience, which I do not have. But I've come to terms with the fact that this is temporary, and I'm here at St. Margaret's for a reason. God will see me through this time in my life - and I'm sure there will be bigger better things in the future, and even if there aren't, God is in control... and I can find comfort in that.

Josh graduates law school in just one short month! November 30th is his last day at the immigration law firm, and then it's on to Bar prep! I'm excited for him. I'm sure he'll do well, and he's very much looking forward to getting a job and helping to support our small "family". He's been my strength during this season of life, and I'm so thankful that he's here with me. I can't imagine trying to deal with my job if he was all the way in New Hampshire. God comes to the rescue once again.

So what's on the horizon for us now? Well, house hunting for one. We've realized that we could be paying about the same amount for rent/mortgage and utilities but having a place of our own and building equity. I've talked to our pastor about getting involved with worship team at church. Not sure how that will work out, but at least it's a start. I'm going to do my best that I can at work for the time being. November 21st will be my 6 month mark, and then I'm half-way to when I can transfer within UPMC. I'm not sure that I will transfer at this point, however it is nice to know that the option is out there. I have lots of fun pictures to post, but that's for next time. This post is just to let y'all know I haven't fallen off the face of the planet. =]

Thanks for reading.
Sara

A swift kick in the rump.

I met with a friend recently for lunch to catch up, and I realized that I could be doing so much more. I don't think I've had a wake-up call like that in a long time. She seemed so devoted to God and God's plan, and doing things for her church... I almost felt ashamed at how shaky my faith has been recently on getting a different job; - Something that I don't even need to sustain us. I also read "The Blazing Center" a blog by the pastors of my old church in Indiana (Sovereign Grace) and it talked about being spread too thin, and how you can see God's glory through that sometimes - because heaven knows we can't do everything on our own, and by our own strength. I'm hardly stretched at all. The only thing demanding about my life right now is my work schedule and lack of sleep directly related to said work schedule. I'm not overly involved in church - I go to care group when I have off, and I go to church when I have off, but that's it. I'm not thinking of ways that I can help others on a daily basis, I'm thinking of how miserable I am doing a job that I don't like. It just makes me realize how easy it is to get caught up in selfishness. I know (now) that God will provide for us, and if this research position is better for us, it will work out. If not? Then it's not what's best for us, it's not what God has planned for us, and ultimately I won't be happy doing it - because I won't be fulfilling God's work.

I have a tendency to have this "all or none" view on things as well - have since I was a little kid. If I can't read a book by the end of the summer, don't read it. If I can't finish a journal entry by the time I have to be somewhere, don't even start writing. I've been having that view on life... I'm going to be stuck doing this for forever, and if I don't find something better before we try to start a family well then I'm going to be stuck doing this forever! I think it's also easy for me to give up. I used to finish strong at every cross country race, even if my legs were jello and I was so oxygen deprived I was dizzy, I would still finish strong. I don't do that anymore. Even with little work-outs at the gym... let alone real life. I see the finish line and think, eh.. I'm close enough. I'll just stop right here. There's nothing admirable about that. I need to put effort into every day. I need to do my job to the best of my abilities until God provides a different job, or even if he doesn't... The apostles endured a whole lot more than I am right now. I may get smacked around by patients every once in a while, but I haven't been stoned or imprisoned... and goodness knows I'm able to pay for our rent and groceries. So this post... is basically a kick in my rump. To get my attitude in a better place, to do more for God and our church, and to take it one day at a time, instead of all or none.

-Sara

childhood dreams

The other day, I was day-dreaming about my old high school days, about waking up in the morning and training for cross country, the beautiful woods and hills that we would see back behind the CHS. I remember one time running down this hill that leads to the back entrance of the school, and there was a black bear off in the distance. It was so quiet out there that I could just barely hear its footsteps rustling in the leaves on the ground. It was an awesome experience. I also remember running in this one spot where there's an overlook of the entire valley, and you can see a bright red barn with farm animals grazing in the pastures, and big trees shading the road with not a car in sight.

I also remember singing all the time. Singing with my brother accompanying me on piano, singing with my ipod on the track bus, singing in the talent show, with jvezz and claire... I pulled out my guitar yesterday to bring some of that back in my life, but it's just not the same (my voice isn't what it used to be)... I wonder.... is it normal for childhood dreams to die like this? The three things I loved most in high school were band, singing, and running. Obviously there aren't many marching bands out there I could become a part of. But singing and running, I can still do those things - at least until my knees give out.

Lately I've been really struggling with contentment in my job and our current location. I miss the country a lot - not used to city life. I'm sure that will change with time, but I also feel like my job limits my ability to join in things, however.. that doesn't mean I shouldn't try anyways. And... I saw a good bit of wisdom on my sister-in-law's blog that I will share too, God has placed us here for some reason, so I might as well try to make the best of it. And I have this job for some reason, so I might as well get through it. And most importantly, I need to trying living for God for a change - and being so caught up in him that I couldn't care less about my job or living in the city. These are my goals for the upcoming "season of life". Get back into running and singing, and find contentment in God.

Love, Sara